When I saw the picture of this coffee mug on social media, it caused me to reflect on those times in 2024 when those around me challenged my behavior. What caught my attention about the mug is the sense of shock it portrays that we may well be the author of consequences we face that are too easy to blame on others. Responding effectively when confronted about your behavior is a significant leadership skill and a vital interpersonal skill. Staying calm, open, and thoughtful is a deliberate choice when exposed to our biases, misconceptions, or contradictory behavior. I practiced these skills in 2024 with a mixed record of success. So, as I travel into 2025, fully intending to be a blessing and acknowledging that I will continue to find the need to admit error and grow in understanding and grace, I offer these reminders.
Stay Calm and Composed. When challenged, avoid reacting defensively or emotionally. Take a deep breath and take a moment to process what is being said. Christians are familiar with conviction, i.e., the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth. In this sense, being convicted is not a road to shame but an opportunity to learn. While shame may raise its head, it doesn’t need to derail learning.
Listen Actively. Pay attention to the person’s concerns without interruption. There is something profoundly healing in listening empathetically to another person. Of course, that is the challenge when one is the subject of another person’s complaint. Show that you listen through nods or simple acknowledgments like, “I see” or “I understand.”
Acknowledge Their Perspective. Even if you disagree, recognize their feelings with a response such as, “I see how this upset you.” Avoid dismissing their concerns, especially through gaslighting statements like, “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “You have completely misread my intention.”
Take Responsibility. If their concerns are valid, admit your mistake: “You’re right; I could have handled that better.” Throughout my life, I have made plenty of blunders and have been appropriately challenged about the consequences. I never cease to be amazed at how simply admitting my errors deescalates the emotional tension of such encounters.
If you are unsure of the concern’s validity, you might try responding, “I need to think about this more, but I appreciate you bringing it up.”
Clarify and Ask Questions. If something is unclear, ask for specifics: “Can you help me understand what specifically bothered you?” Asking this question has given me much deeper insight into the impact of my assumptions, sometimes embarrassingly so. But it also opened the door to deeper self-understanding and transformation.
On another occasion, asking questions led me to discover that what bothered an individual wasn’t my behavior directly but an association with a prior experience of the other person. One person on my team with whom I had a regular conflict and was ready to fire over it one day admitted that I had a facial expression that mirrored that of her abusive father. She was triggered and acted out before she could identify the reason. Not only did this create strife between us, but it also often left me completely baffled. We talked about her experience enough to design a safe word that only she and I understood. When I experienced her triggered behavior, I said the safe word to alert her to her reactive responses.
Share Your Perspective (if appropriate). I often engage in difficult conversations with people I know and respect. There are times when it is appropriate for me to share my perspective. However, when doing so, avoid blaming or justifying; instead, explain calmly: “I didn’t realize how it came across. That wasn’t my intention.” However, here is the challenge: our intentions don’t always come across in our behaviors. There may be times when our intentions are more idealized than actuated. When this is the case, behavior speaks louder than words. So, stay attentive when sharing your perspective and acknowledge quickly if you realize your actions did contradict your intentions and/or your core values.
Apologize if Needed. A sincere apology can go a long way: “I’m sorry for how my actions affected you. I’ll work on this.” I like to follow up on the apology with a request for forgiveness, knowing that depending on the depth of the offense, forgiveness may not be immediately forthcoming. It may take time for the offended party to extend forgiveness. Then, it may or may not mean that we can reconcile. Remember, forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. They will work in tandem in an ideal world, but we live in a broken world.
Commit to Improvement. Showing that you are willing to make changes verifies your apology and request for forgiveness. Without this commitment, your words are little more than an attempt to mask your behavior. Say: “I’ll be more mindful of this in the future.”
Follow Through. Actions speak louder than words. Make an effort to adjust your behavior moving forward and check in with the person who pointed out your deficiency in the first place to see how you are doing. Follow-through requires you to reflect on the feedback you have received. Make your reflection in prayer and in your mind. Allow the Holy Spirit to deepen the insights you have. This can help you grow personally and improve your relationships.
If 2024 taught me one specific lesson, it was that remaining respectful and self-aware makes a significant difference in resolving interpersonal conflict constructively. Now, to take these lessons into a new year.