Thanksgiving, when it is a practice of gratitude, is one of the most potent exercises one can do for mental health and thriving. However, some of my friends have expressed some trepidation about being with family, especially after the sometimes brutal harangues that accompanied this last election here in the United States. Like others, I have had friends (thankfully, no family members) assign me to at least the third level of hell for even identifying with a particular political party. Instead of conversations with others, I endured diatribes leveled at my assumed belief system (none of these protagonists bothered to ask what I believed or why I held the opinion I expressed). I won’t be in the same room with these friends today. But what if I was? How does one navigate hotly contested opinions without falling prey to high-intensity shouting matches?
Well, start with gratitude. What are you truly grateful for? List the things that come to mind; it helps to start the day with a healthy exercise. If you find that someone broke your desired truce from political discussions and your blood pressure is rising, use a powerful coaching tool. Ask questions. Purpose to understand rather than to defend. Something about asking questions, of actually listening empathetically to another person, builds an emotional bridge. You might even find that existing relationships grow more profound and more transparent.
So, what kinds of questions help? Here are some suggestions. When someone expresses a strong opinion, ask, “How does this fit with your plans/way of life/values?” As the conversation unfolds, ask clarifying questions like, “What do you mean by that?” or “How would that work?”
Questions defuse; they open a pathway for more profound insight. Here are some additional questions that you can use to redirect conversations from arguments to insight.
What criteria could you use to evaluate which path looks like the best one to take?
What opportunities do you see in this situation?
What is possible here?
Are there other possibilities than this one that may work?
If you had a magic wand, what would you like to see happen here?
What would a best-case scenario look like?
What would you try if you knew you could not fail?
Be aware of your emotions and listen to your body. With a little effort, you can make it through today without disaster and perhaps even see something mended that was previously broken. Or, you may just be able to get through the day unscathed and breathe a sigh of relief when it is over. I am grateful for friends like you, who listen and provide feedback and encouragement. Thankyou.